


i called your name in autumn, you came to me in spring

by Tiredoflife77



Series: NCT Fics [5]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 96 line best friends, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Everyone Needs A Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Jaehyun and Yuta are good friends, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung-centric, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, fluff too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28414920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiredoflife77/pseuds/Tiredoflife77
Summary: As Taeyong handed him back his phone, Jaehyun gave Doyoung a smug look. “What?” Doyoung asked innocently, “if you’re a true Aquarius like me, you would also take drastic measures to win a debate.”“Right, debate,” Jaehyun said pointedly.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun & Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung & Nakamoto Yuta, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Series: NCT Fics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1830229
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	1. August

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I am in no way romanticizing everything these characters go through. The relationships don’t rely on the struggles of the characters in no way, and there will be trigger warnings at the beginning of every chapter. This fic was not intended to romanticize anxiety, depression or ptsd, but rather call attention to mental health. Some of the descriptions and situations of anxiety and depression are based off of my own, while some are based off of further research. With that being said, please be respectful and enjoy!
> 
> T/W: mentions of anxiety and ptsd throughout the chapter.

Jaehyun unlocked his apartment door and immediately frowned. He quickly shut and locked the door, took of his shoes, dropped the keys on the coffee table, and sprinted down the small hallway before almost running into Yuta.

“Is he-” Jaehyun let his sentence slowly die as he eyed Yuta’s eye bags and worried expression.

“Did he have another one?” Yuta slowly nodded his head, too emotionally drained to give a vocal answer. Jaehyun pulled the smaller into a warm hug, feeling his own eyes water.

“I don’t understand Jae. This isn’t fucking fair. Doyoung’s been nothing but kind, he’s never lashed out at anyone,” Yuta spoke rapidly as Jaehyun pulled away and reached for a packet of tissues in his pocket. As he handed one to Yuta, it was like the dam had broken, and suddenly the man couldn’t stop. “There isn’t a mean bone in his body and some, some jackass just decided to waltz in and do _this shit_ to him!”

Yuta sniffled as Jaehyun led him to the soda. “They _broke_ him, Jae,” he whispered. “They broke him and left him for us to pick up the pieces.” Jaehyun tried not to cry as he ran his fingers through Yuta’s hair. The two men laid there in silence for a while, letting their thoughts run.

“I’m sorry, I’ve cried all over you,” Yuta eventually mumbled, “now there’s snot all over your shirt.” Jaehyun chuckled at that. “I wanted to change anyway, it’s okay-” he paused for a second. It wasn’t okay. Nothing about this situation was okay.

“Don’t apologize for getting upset. We agreed to help each other, so that’s what we’re going to do. Doyoung hyung too.”

Later that night, Jaehyun stood in the kitchen with the kettle on the stove. He slightly turned at the sound of padded footsteps, watching as Doyoung slowly slipped into the kitchen. The older man said nothing, just reached for the cabinet and pulled out two mugs. Jaehyun cracked a smile at the one with I <3 my bunny painted above a small rabbit face, remembering Doyoung’s mildly offended look when Ten had gifted it to him last year.

_“I even had it custom made,” Ten had told Doyoung with a smug grin, “all for you, my favorite bunny.”_

The kettle whistled softly in the background, and Jaehyun wordlessly fixed them both some green tea with honey. The tea was nothing special, but it was good enough for broke university students who shopped for groceries at the small convenience store down the street.

He placed Doyoung’s rabbit mug in front of the older boy, watching as Doyoung gratefully accepted the tea. The boy was dressed in his favorite grey hoodie, paired with black sweats and disheveled hair. The bruises that had previously adjourned his cheeks had faded, leaving only small discolorations on Doyoung’s skin. Jaehyun ignored the how swollen his eyes looked under his glasses and how sunken in his face was.

“Are you hungry?”

Doyoung let out a hum in response. Jaehyun stood, desperate to fill the heavy silence. He dug around for a big enough pot to cook some broth in, before opening the almost empty fridge.

Jae?” Doyoung gently called. Jaehyun winced at how hoarse the older’s voice sounded. He turned to give Doyoung his full attention. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard on you and Yuta hyung to help me-” Jaehyun closed the refrigerator and laid the ingredients out on the counter before taking a seat across from Doyoung.

“Hyung, please stop. We want to help you, you know that.”

Doyoung didn’t look him in the eye. “Yes, but it’s tearing you apart. I know you’re more stressed because of me,” Doyoung spoke earnestly, “I hear Yuta hyung crying at night, and it’s my fault. “

“It was _never_ your fault. _Never._ It hurts more to here you say that,” Jaehyun said, a bit harsher than he intended to. Doyoung said nothing, just glanced down at his hands in his lap.

“Can I hug you?” He asked, tone softening as Doyoung finally looked up at him. The boy nodded slowly, and Jaehyun held him in his arms. The hug was short, but it was warm. Despite his trembling, Doyoung cracked a small smile as Jaehyun let go.

“Dons, is that a smile I see?” Yuta interrupted, waltzing in the kitchen. Doyoung smiled a bit wider at the older boy, and Yuta would be damned if that wasn’t the most beautiful sight he’d seen. It was the first Doyoung had smiled in two months, so yes, Yuta was going to sketch every detail in his memory.

“Wow. I’m offended, you didn’t make me any tea?” Yuta remarks as he eyed the two mugs on the table. Jaehyun rolled his eyes as he got out a third mug.

“You’re lucky I’m nice,” he retorts, drinking in the sounds of Doyoung’s small giggle in the background. 

The past two months had taken so much out of the three of them, that moments like this meant so much more. It was almost as if nothing had changed (despite that normally Doyoung was the chef, of course). Jaehyun began to make the beef broth for the soup as Yuta and Doyoung conversed quietly in the background. For once, dinner was peaceful.

Later, after the two had bid Doyoung goodnight, Jaehyun turned to Yuta to see the older boy worrying his bottom lip.

“He’ll be okay hyung. Doyoung is strong,” the younger boy confidently stated.

Yuta gave the younger boy a pat on the back. “I know. It’s just hard to see him like this,” he eventually replied. “Even still, I’ll be there for him every step of the way.”

Jaehyun hummed in agreement as the pair bid each other goodnight. “Oh, by the way,” Jaehyun casually said, “you’re on dish duty.”

“But I did them yesterday,” Yuta whined to no avail, watching as Jaehyun joyfully retreated to his room.

🍁

_6 Months Later_

“You ready?” Ten asked, glancing at Doyoung. The boy took a breath, trying to suppress the small tremble. “I guess,” he settled on as an answer.

“Doyoung,” Ten said slowly, “you’re shaking.”

Doyoung closed his eyes briefly, willing for his body to calm down. The new semester was beginning, and this was the first time in eight months that Doyoung would set foot back on campus.

He wasn’t scared, he was _terrified_.

Ten slowly reached for Doyoung’s hand, letting it linger in the air as if to ask for permission. Doyoung didn’t know what compelled him to do it, but he grabbed Ten’s hand without a second thought. “I’ll be with you the whole time,” Ten assured as he rubbed circles on Doyoung’s knuckles.

Doyoung and Ten, though different majors, were thrown into the same biology class due to their year and the fact that Ten had failed his last core class and Doyoung never went back to take his. Here they were, starting off the first half of their Junior year, still taking basics. Yuta and Doyoung had no classes together, as the older dance major was a year ahead of him, while Jaehyun and Doyoung would’ve had the same classes if it weren’t for the fact that Jaehyun had been so stressed over registration that he had forgotten to set an alarm for 4 am and didn’t get his first pick of classes.

At least Doyoung had Kun. Kun and Doyoung were not only in the same year but were both music majors with a focus in vocal performance. By sheer luck (or fate as Ten would say) they ended up with the same music classes. (Although it was more likely because Professor Byun was one of the reasons most people interested in music chose to attend university at SMU, and Doyoung would be lying if he said that wasn’t one of the reasons he applied. Kun probably had the same thought.)

_“Sorry hyung, I really thought I set the damn alarm,” Jaehyun apologized, “but I did text Kun and I’m pretty sure you guys have the same classes. You both seem to have Professor Byun at least.”_

_“It’ll be okay, Dons. Think about it. Even if you’re a semester behind, you’ll still be graduating with your year, even if it’s in the spring instead of fall,” Yuta said lightly, trying to ease Doyoung’s building anxiety. Doyoung at least appreciated the effort._

_“Plus Ten and Kun will be with you, and you know they won’t leave you by yourself,” Jaehyun pointed out. Doyoung just pouted at his roommates in response._

Doyoung let out a sigh and motioned for Ten to turn off the car. “We can’t be late on the first day. _Again_.” Ten scowled as he locked the car. “Listen, it’s not my fault that Kun’s slow on the road.”

Doyoung rolled his eyes. “Don’t blame Kun for being a good driver,” he scoffed, “besides, it was your fault for not waking up. I even showed up to your apartment thirty minutes before we agreed to leave!”

“Okay one, I may be a shitty driver, but we got here fifteen minutes before class. Two, Kun was only going 35-”

“The speed limit _is_ 35!”

“-and three, you should at least have been proud of me for even getting up after the hangover I had,” Ten pointed out, before scrunching up his face. “Never let me near tequila again.”

At that Doyoung laughed, remembered Kun’s panicked expression as he rubbed Ten’s back while the younger was busy throwing up a couple of shots of tequila and jungle juice.

That was the last party he’d been to, almost a year ago.

Shaking his head to rid himself of his thoughts before they could spiral anymore, Doyoung shrugged. “To be fair, we have no clue what was even in the jungle juice, it could’ve been that.”

“Well, when I was throwing up my guts, I tasted tequila. Therefore, no more tequila for me,” Ten responded as he held the door open for Doyoung. “After you, your highness,” he said proudly. Doyoung felt his face flush. It wasn’t even past noon and Ten was already causing a commotion.

Although, Doyoung couldn’t say he really minded. He knew if he was uncomfortable, Ten would immediately stop. Besides, the man had been there right along with Kun helping Yuta and Jaehyun take care of him. Doyoung decided he could suffer through a few of Ten’s antics.

When he said he could suffer through a few of Ten’s antics, he didn’t mean all of them. Not only did Ten start whispering in his ear, but when their professor started going on a tangent about how “scientific method can make or break the deal,” Doyoung heard a soft noise and side-eyed Ten to see, to his utter horror, that he was face down on the small desk. Doyoung mentally slapped Ten over the head before jotting down his notes more legibly, knowing the dance major would need them later.

Seriously, the things he does for Ten sometimes.

🍁

Ten stopped at the door to Doyoung’s music theory class. “Kun’s not here yet, but he’ll probably come in 5 minutes till.” Doyoung took a deep breath. “You have a ride home, right?”

“Yeah, Yuta’s picking me up. He gets off work early today because he has that late pedagogy class.”

Ten wrinkled his nose. “Pedagogy? Ew. First Taeyong and now Yuta. What is it with talented dancers and wanting to teach?”

“Your talented and you don’t want to teach,” Doyoung remarks, ignoring the distaste at the mention of Taeyong’s name. Doyoung vaguely knew of Lee Taeyong, and the older boy had yet to actually be anything other than nice to him. He was just involved in the same group of people as _the same people who—_

“Yeah, because I know my worth,” Doyoung rolls his eyes, “ _and_ a bunch of disrespectful kids are not about to trample all over me _before_ I have a professional career.”

So yeah, Doyoung didn’t hate Taeyong. But he didn’t enjoy being in the same room as him either. (Although he didn’t enjoy a lot of things lately, but Jaehyun said it wasn’t his fault, so he won’t be focusing on that thank you very much)

“To be fair, I’m pretty sure they would be making more money teaching rather than performing,” Doyoung tries to reason, knowing how much Yuta loves to teach.

“Not necessarily. Depending on the company and style, there are a lot of options for careers as a dancer. Even freelance, if you play your cards right,” Ten responds, almost as if he’d practiced that sentence. The life of a dance major, Doyoung supposes. He’d listened to one too many rants from both Ten and Yuta about how oh silly, dance isn’t a major. You’re going to need a real degree.

“Yeah well, to be a professional, you need to pass this contemporary biology class so take these notes and copy them before you fail the first quiz in two weeks,” Doyoung says as he pushes his spiral into Ten’s hands.

“Oh Doie, have I ever told you that you are my favorite and that I’ll love you forever?”

Doyoung rolled his eyes fondly before seeing Kun’s familiar mint hair. Ten quickly packed Doyoung’s spiral in his backpack/dance bag as Kun approached them. “Here, I brought you two coffee. I know Ten needs it, and I figured you could use some too,” Kun said as he handed them the two iced coffees.

“Bless! Doie I love you but Kun’s my new favorite,” Ten announced as he started sipping on the drink. Kun and Doyoung tuned him out as the younger boy gratefully accepted the drink. “I guess that’s my cue to leave,” Ten said “I’ll see you both later tonight at the CAM dinner right?”

Doyoung visible deflated as he grumbled out a yes. He had almost forgotten about that. Every year, CAM (College of arts and media) held a dinner party of sorts at a restaurant/bar. While CAM had the smallest number of students, they still took up the whole second floor of the place.

And right now, Doyoung really didn’t want to see that many people. But his friends had looked so hopeful at the prospect of him going and he had made substantial progress, so Doyoung figured he could suck it up for one night. Besides, he knew his friends would never leave him on his own after everything. If anything, he’d be lucky to catch a moment alone.

🍁

“Doyoungie! Long time no see,” Johnny, an art major with a minor in photography, exclaimed as soon as Doyoung, Yuta, and Jaehyun entered. Doyoung let out a friendly wave as he was rushed in the door. Johnny, while very loud, was a good friend. He had even photographed Doyoung a few times for his portfolio. The trio settled down across from Johnny, who waved down the next person that entered. It just so happens to be Doyoung’s unfortunate luck that the new person who had just taken the seat across from him was none other than Lee Taeyong.

Doyoung ended up tuning out most of the conversation between the four students, opting to pick at his food instead. He hadn’t noticed Taeyong watching him, only looking up once Jaehyun called his name. “We’re going to the bar to get a few drinks; do you want to come with?” He asked. Doyoung just shook his head. “No, but you don’t have to stay with me Jae,” he said quietly, hoping Jaehyun wouldn’t see through him and notice the anxious buzzing of his skin.

“I know but-”

“I’ll be here with him, go get your drinks,” Taeyong piped up. Jaehyun still looked unconvinced, but Doyoung eventually just shooed him away with the promise that Jaehyun would buy him a martini because there was no way this wasn’t going to be a long night.

“Do you not like it?” Taeyong eventually asked after a few seconds of silence passed, motioning to Doyoung’s plate of uneaten food.

“No, it’s good. Just not very hungry,” he answered.

“Are you sure? You can have some of mine.”

“Why does it matter if I eat Taeyong?” Doyoung eventually snapped, drained from the amount of people that had showed up. Taeyong looked mildly stunned for a good half a second before Doyoung frantically began to apologize. Taeyong hushed him. “It’s fine. Not every day a cute boy yells at you,” he retorted. Doyoung seemed to freeze for a second, feeling his cheeks warm up.

_Cute. No, not now. Don’t think don’t think don’t think-_

Taeyong seemed to sense the boy’s discomfort. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” he offered as an apology. Doyoung took a deep breath. He really didn’t care for Lee Taeyong, but he had made _so much progress._ He could do this. He was okay.

“It’s fine,” Doyoung managed as Taeyong shook his head. “It’s not, I clearly made you uncomfortable.” Doyoung was genuinely surprised by the older boy’s sincerity “I’m such an idiot oh my god,” Taeyong grumbled, “I just wanted to talk to you but I just had to open my mouth and-”

“Okay, okay I’ll stop you right there,” Doyoung panicked, “I’m really fine now. You couldn’t have known that would- anyway, you wanted to talk so let’s talk.” He only said that last part so Taeyong would shut up, his brain justified. Doyoung ignored the way that thought contradicted what he’d said but Taeyong did promptly stop talking, so Doyoung would take it as a win.

By the time Ten and Kun rushed in, fashionably late as always, Yuta, Jaehyun, and Johnny were back from the bar listening with big grins as Doyoung and Taeyong adamantly argued about anime.

“Naruto may be mainstream, but Digimon is so nostalgic. Obviously it’s better!” Doyoung exclaimed, irritated.

Taeyong scoffed. “Digimon freaked me out as a kid,” he whined. Doyoung raised an eyebrow. “And Orochimaru didn’t?”

“Yeah, he was kinda scary,” Jaehyun said, joining the debate, “but he was nothing compared to Madara.”

Taeyong smirked, “Madara was so bad ass!” Doyoung pouted at Jaehyun but the latter shrugged. “Sorry Doie, but Madara Uchiha was pretty cool.”

“No fair Jae, you’re my friend so you should take my side,” tipsy Doyoung wailed.

“Hey, _Doyochi_ , gimme your phone,” Taeyong stated as he made grabby hands for the phone, ignoring Doyoung’s complaint at the nickname. “And why would I do that,” Doyoung asked incredulously. “So I can call you,” Taeyong almost deflated at Doyoung’s stunned face, “to… finish the argument.”

Reluctantly, Doyoung unlocked his phone and handed it over. He barley suppressed the giggle that threatened to slip out as Taeyong took a selfie of his double chin for the contact picture. As Taeyong gave him back his phone, Jaehyun gave Doyoung a smug look. “What?” Doyoung asked innocently, “if you’re a true Aquarius like me, you would also take drastic measures to win a debate.”

“Right, _debate_ ,” Jaehyun said pointedly.

Soon, the trio decided to leave before it got too late. They exchanged goodbyes with Ten and Kun, then with Johnny and Taeyong. “I’ll text you tomorrow, to you know, finish the argument,” Taeyong shouted as he waved goodbye. Doyoung rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless.

Later, in the comfort of the living area and warm sweatpants, Yuta handed Doyoung a cup of hot tea as he sat down next to him.

“I’m so, so proud of you, Dons,” he spoke, eyes tearing up. Doyoung looked down at the same rabbit mug in his hands. “To be honest hyung, I really didn’t want to go. But I did end up having fun.” Yuta nodded.

“I just don’t understand why I get so anxious around others, I thought I’d gotten better at controlling it,” Doyoung huffed.

“That’s recovery, Dons. Two steps forward and one step back,” Yuta coaxed, “what you went through was extremely traumatic. It’s not wrong or weird to feel the way you do.” Doyoung sighed. Curse Yuta and his wisdom, honestly.

“What if I’m never the same? What if I’m always like this?” Doyoung questioned. Yuta tsked at him, taking the mug from his hands before it could spill on the sofa.

“Then that’s okay. People change all the time. And no matter what, Jae and I will continue to love you, and I know for a fact that Ten and Kun feel the same.”

In a moment of bursting confidence, Doyoung leaned his head on Yuta’s shoulder. For once, his skin didn’t crawl at the contact, and he hummed happily into the elder’s shirt. Yuta looked down at him fondly, glad to see Doyoung initiate the touch.

As his eyes began to droop, Doyoung noticed that he felt pleased for once. Not only did he make it through the dinner, but he survived his first day back at uni _and_ made a new friend. His phone was just inches away, resting with a new contact created just hours ago inside it.

Even if it was for the prospect of an argument and _nothing more,_ Doyoung felt accomplished. And he hadn’t felt anything remotely close to that for months.

“Carry me to my room please?” He asked, looking up at Yuta with puppy dog eyes and a small pout on his lips that he knew the older man would succumb to. “Fine, you giant toddler,” Yuta grumbled in mock annoyance, gently maneuvering Doyoung so that he wouldn’t drop him.

After Yuta somehow managed to get Doyoung tucked in without injuring himself or the younger boy, he paused.

“I meant what I said earlier. We’re so proud of you Dons, and we always will be.”

Doyoung smiled even though Yuta couldn’t see. “Thanks, hyung. That means a lot to me,” he replied gratefully.

“Goodnight Dons, I’ll make pancakes in the morning.”

“Night,” Doyoung mumbled before he promptly fell asleep. (He did have a lot of alcohol. Well not a lot but more than he’d had in a while)

🍁

Jaehyun smiled to himself as he heard Yuta softly shut, or at least attempt to softly shut Doyoung’s bedroom door. He stood by the sink, quietly humming as he washed the dishes from the day. He almost dropped the mug he was holding as he felt Yuta’s arms snake around his waist.

“Don’t scare me like that!” He whisper-shouted, trying to be quiet so that Doyoung would n’t wake up. The poor boy was plagued by nightmares at times, and with his first day back at school, he hadn’t gotten much sleep in the past week. Now that it was over with and rather successful, Jaehyun silently prayed that Doyoung would have a peaceful night.

“You were right,” Yuta hummed, ignoring Jaehyun’s remark and tightening his arms around the younger boy.

“He’s gonna be okay.”

Jaehyun dried the last mug and placed it into the cabinet. Yuta let go and watched him clean up the kitchen. It seemed so domestic, and Yuta ignored all the thoughts that popped into his head. Those thoughts were shoved down the drain a moment later because Jaehyun had finally turned around to face him.

“Of course I’m right. Our Doie’s a fighter.”


	2. August II

Doyoung woke the next morning with a splitting headache, and a knock on his door.

“Doyoung? Taeil hyung is at our front door, pretty sure he’s here to see you,” Yuta called from the other side, surprisingly chipper for it being so early in the morning.

Doyoung had half the brain cell to scream into his pillow before rolling out of bed.

“Taeil hyung?” He groggily called as he made his way to the kitchen. Taeil glanced up at him with amusement from where he was sitting at the small coffee table.

“Well good morning to you too, sleeping beauty.”

Doyoung pointedly ignored him before plopping down on the chair beside him, looking at Yuta gratefully as he placed a cup of coffee in front of him.

“Not to sound pushy, but why are you here? It’s so early,” Doyoung mumbled, too tired to care if he sounded rude.

Taeil laughed. “Just wanted to check in. Your parents have been pestering me to make sure you’re doing okay,” he explained.

Taeil had been Doyoung’s childhood friend, and while the older boy was two years older than him, he had always been kind to Doyoung. The younger developed his love of singing from Taeil, and even applied to SMU because he knew Taeil was going there, even though he had graduated last fall.

“Wait, you didn’t tell them about-” Doyoung let his thought trail off. “No, I wouldn’t have. They’re just worried because you haven’t really called them.”

Doyoung heaved a sigh. He hadn’t meant to be distant, but he just couldn’t face his parents, not when his dad had just gotten a promotion, and his brother had finally gotten engaged. He’d ruin all the smiles, he couldn’t. Not when he had been weak and scared, is _still_ terrified.

Taeil seemed to sense Doyoung’s inner turmoil. “Doie, I know it’s hard for you, but they’re your family.”

“I know, hyung.”

_I’m ashamed. I couldn’t protect myself. I was weak._

Again, like the mind reader he seemed to be, Taeil shook his head. “They won’t judge you.”

Doyoung knew this. He did. He was just scared, and he honestly just wanted to not be scared for once.

“Sometimes it takes a bit of courage to jump,” Taeil advised.

“What the hell does that even mean?” Doyoung questioned.

“It means sometimes you just have to take a risk. And you don’t have to now, or ever. It’s your choice,” Taeil responds, “But if and when you do, we’ll be right here with you. Always.”

Doyoung looked into his concerned eyes and took a deep breath. “One day I’ll be brave hyung. Promise.”

Taeil smiled. “You already are brave, Doie.”

🍁

“Hyung, you’re back!” Renjun chirped from his seat in the library. “I was beginning to think you were just ditching me cause you hated me but you’re here.”

Doyoung grimaced at that. The cryptic text he had sent Renjun that he wouldn’t be tutoring him until next fall was more so left up to interpretation.

“Hey, I wouldn’t do that. Besides, you’d fail without me,” Doyoung singsonged as he pulled out a chair, setting his computer bag down on the table with a heavy clunk. Renjun’s smile brightened.

“Are you going to audition for the CAM festival this year?”

Ah yes. The CAM festival was a large performance/gallery designed to not only showcase students from the college of arts and mass media but also to help give them exposure. Many companies and businesses attend every year, and at least several students are given job opportunities or apprenticeships. Doyoung was supposed to sing last year, and while Renjun knew not to question why he didn’t end up performing, other people might not be as nice. Better to start talking about it now, he supposed.

“I don’t think so,” Doyoung answered honestly. Renjun looked a little disappointed, but luckily didn’t press. Renjun may be a little, in Doyoung’s own opinion, innocent, but the boy had a very mature understanding of things. Maybe Doyoung was just naïve, but Renjun always managed to pick out the details Doyoung could never see. Especially now, with how vulnerable Doyoung feels, he is beginning to notice that Renjun understands a lot more than he realized.

“What about you?” Doyoung asked. Renjun sighed. “We’ve already had auditions for variations, and I’m hoping I’ll get one,” he explained.

“I’m sure you did fine,” the older boy assured.

Renjun was now a sophomore majoring in dance with a focus on ballet. The younger was also taking a few music classes to fill up his hours and elective slots, and Doyoung was not surprised to see that he could sing and dance.

“I’m not so sure hyung. Everyone else is so talented. Plus, I showed up late because Hyuck spilt coffee all over the counter, and the last time he cleaned it up he made it worse,” Renjun rambled. Doyoung frowned. “How did he- you know what I don’t want to know.”

Doyoung’s phone vibrated multiple times in that moment, causing Renjun to raise an eyebrow.

“Wow hyung, didn’t realize you were so popular,” he mused.

Doyoung tuned him out in favor of scowling at the new messages from Taeyong. The older boy had been texting him all day yesterday, so really Doyoung should’ve been prepared for him to want to actually hang out. (He really wasn’t in the mood to look at his stupidly handsome face.)

**Taeyong**

**Hey doyoungie do you want to meet at that café near the bookstore**

**You**

**Why?**

**Taeyong**

**Idk**

**Hang out**

**Finish argument**

“Ohhhhh, is someone hitting on you?”

Doyoung felt his cheeks flush as he gawked at Renjun. “How did you jump to that conclusion?”

“You were smiling like an idiot at your phone, and you haven’t even started teaching me!” Renjun pointed out, smiling proudly.

“He’s not asking me out.”

Renjun wasn’t impressed.

“He’s not asking me out _like that_ ,” Doyoung stressed. Renjun laughed. “Whatever you say hyung.”

This was going to be the longest hour and a half of Doyoung’s life.

🍁

Doyoung glared holes into the signup sheet for the festival posted on the community bored in the practice rooms. The paper seemed to be mocking him with its large bullet points and obnoxiously big fonts.

“You should sign up,” a slightly familiar voice said from behind. Doyoung startled, barely holding in a screech and saving what little bit of his decency he had left.

Professor Byun at least had the decency to look guilty.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you there. But really, I think you should audition.”

Doyoung had to mentally stop his jaw from dropping. He was ninety percent sure that Professor Byun had only taught him for two classes, one of which was music theory, and hadn’t really heard him sing.

“I was very impressed by your audition last year, so I was hoping you’d give it a go again,” Professor Byun stated. If he was affected by Doyoung’s lack of well, anything other than breathing, he didn’t show it.

“I-I wasn’t really planning on it,” Doyoung eventually stuttered out.

“Ah well, that’s okay. There’s still time,” the man said simply.

And then, like he was never here, the professor disappeared down the hallway, leaving Doyoung stunned and confused, and a little panicked. (A lot panicked, but no one needed to know that. He was fine, he swears.)

“Uh, Doyoung? You there?”

He barely noticed as Kun approached him.

“Yeah, sorry.” Kun shrugged him off. “I saw Professor Byun talking to you earlier, what was that about?”

Doyoung grimaced, finally realizing what had just happened. “Kun, I think I just embarrassed myself in front of our professor worse than Ten did when he almost jumped off the roof,” he grumbled.

Kun snickered, “That was the highlight of the evening.” (and reason number two why Doyoung has agreed to keep Ten away from tequila)

At Doyoung’s pout he showed a little sympathy.

“He’s a college professor, pretty sure he’s seen it all,” Kun tries to joke.

While Doyoung appreciated the sentiment, it wasn’t all that reassuring. Kun seemed to take notice. “Alright, enough sulking. You can tell me about it on the way to class.”

🍁

Class had gone by way to quickly, and pretty soon Doyoung found himself standing in a small café. There wasn’t much of a crowd, which Doyoung was thankful for, but there were still some people, and that was enough to make him uneasy.

“Of all places to meet up, I didn’t think you’d want to finish the argument here,” Doyoung stated as he took a seat across from Taeyong, glancing around the cafe. The older man seemed delighted at Doyoung’s appearance, eyes lighting up as soon as the boy sat down.

“Doyoungie, I don’t actually want to argue,” Taeyong laughs, “I just want to be friends.”

“Friends argue,” Doyoung says.

Taeyong rolled his eyes. “I meant hangout. Get to know each other.”

Doyoung raised an eyebrow. “What’s there to know? Hi, my name is Kim Dongyoung, I’m tired and boring, and sometimes I sing.”

Taeyong laughs again at that. “Dongyoung? Has a nice ring to it,” he commented.

“I will not talk to you if you call me that,” Doyoung said, dead serious.

“Fine, fine. So even though you’re a music major you only sing sometimes?” Taeyong questioned.

“Shut up, you know what I mean.”

Like the great person he is, Taeyong ignored him. “You gonna audition?”

“Ugh, you’re like the third person to ask me that in the span of 3 hours,” Doyoung huffed. Taeyong shrugged. “If I like your voice, chances are a lot of people do too.”

“You like my voice,” Doyoung squeaked, cheeks turning red, “when have you even heard me sing?”

“Dude, I was literally in the booth working lights for the CAM festival auditions last year. I also had a say in who got in since I coordinate the show.”

Oh. Doyoung vaguely remembers Yuta complaining about how the school has some dance and theater majors run the performance part of the festival for tech experience.

“I haven’t decided yet,” Doyoung settled on as a response. Taeyong pondered his response a bit. “I know this is only the first date-”

“Date?”

“But the thing that caught my eyes about you was your energy. When you sang, your eyes lit up.” Taeyong waved his hands as if to emphasize his point. “I can tell you haven’t been too happy lately. And I know it’s most my place and I don’t know you that well, but I do know that when you were on that stage, you looked _alive_.”

Doyoung stared down at the table. His hands were shaking slightly. He couldn’t help but want to disappear, to rot with the wood on the chair. Not wanting to ruin the only chance of making a friend, Doyoung decided to try his luck at dry humor, willing his hands to for once, settle.

“So what, do I look like a zombie now?”

Taeyong looked appalled. _Not good not good mission abort._

“No! That’s not what I meant! You could never look like that, I mean, you’re beautiful right now I promise- oh no I shouldn’t have said that-”

Doyoung didn’t know whether to feel scared for his (and Taeyong’s) sanity or amused. He couldn’t help it as a disbelieving laugh bubbled its way out of his throat.

“Hey! Stop laughing at my quarter life crisis!” Taeyong whined.

“Okay. So the first thing I got to know about esteemed dance Major Lee Taeyong is that he can’t give a backhanded compliment to save his life,” Doyoung snarked, grinning at Taeyong’s red face.

“Don’t make me throw my coffee at you, Kim Dongyoung.”

Doyoung glared at him. Taeyong gave an innocent smile back. A friendship was born.

Later when Doyoung left the cafe, his heart felt lighter, and his cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Deep down he should feel worried that Taeyong saw right through him, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. Kun joined him on the way to the bus so he wouldn’t walk alone, and Doyoung appreciated the company.

The bus hummed as it started its normal journey. “Kun? If I maybe, decided to audition,” Doyoung began shyly, “would you like to help me rehearse?”

“Do you even have to ask? Of course I will Doie.”

Doyoung felt immediate relief, but not before the overwhelming anxiety seemed to bounce at the idea of being back on a stage came across his mind.

“Doyoung, no one is pressuring you, but I’m really glad you’re planning on auditioning. I think this might be good for you,” Kun said, eyes shining with so much hope that Doyoung couldn’t help but gain a little bit of confidence.

“Thanks, I hope it will be. Besides, about time I take some form of a risk, right?”

Kun smiled brightly. “Who knows, something tells me this risk will be worth taking.”

🍁

The next morning, Yuta was enjoying the serene silence of a peaceful breakfast (consisting of a questionably cooked fried egg) when he was so rudely interrupted by the sound of something being slammed on the counter. He groggily walked into the kitchen and watched Doyoung get out two glasses right next to the large bottle of vodka. Yuta had half the mind to tell him 10 am on a Saturday was probably too early to start day drinking.

“I don’t care, life sucks,” Doyoung huffed. “Now, either I drink this whole thing alone, or you help me.”

Yuta rolled his eyes. “And what’s the occasion?”

“I’m auditioning,” Doyoung answered with a resigned sigh.

“Holy shit, really?” Yuta exclaimed, excitement building. “I’ll drink to that, what the hell!”

Doyoung smiled briefly before pouring the first shot. Later, as the two were nestled on the couch, tipsy Doyoung giggled. “You know, Jaehyun’s going to kill us.”

🍁

When Jaehyun got back from the gym, he was not expecting two almost drunk roommates and a half full bottle of vodka in front of them.

“Woojae,” Doyoung exclaimed, “join the party.” Jaehyun punched the bridge of his nose. “Hyung, I hope you know this is not healthy.”

Doyoung just grinned. “Who cares about health, I’m gonna audition! So,” he pointed to the wine, “indulge me this once and let’s drink.”

Jaehyun’s jaw dropped before he broke into the widest smile. “I better get the ibuprofen ready for tomorrow morning and order some chicken then.”

Doyoung and Yuta cheered in response.

After the chicken had come, Doyoung was, safe to say, more drunk than he should’ve been.

“I should tell Yongie I’m auditioning,” Doyoung mumbled, before giggling. “Yuta hyung, Taeyongie will be so happy, said he likes my voice.”

“Oh, what’s this? Doyoung talking about a boy?” Yuta said, voice rising.

Jaehyun hung up the phone and walked over to the pair. “How is he already drunk and you are barely tipsy?”

Yuta shrugged. “You know I have a high tolerance.”

Doyoung fumbled with his phone before finding Taeyong’s contact.

**_You_ **

**Hyunngggg**

**Im gonna auditiooon**

**Audition**

**_Yong_ **

**That’s great!**

**Wait r u drunk?**

**_You_ **

**Yeaaahhhh**

**_Yong_ **

**I’m so screenshotting this**

**_You_ **

**Ur s. o meeen**

**Mean**

**Meanieee**

“Oh boy, he’s already texting,” Jaehyun commented over his shoulder. “M not,” Doyoung slurred, yawning.

“Yeah sure you’re not. I think we should call it a night anyway,” Jaehyun replied, unphased by Doyoung’s incoherent complaints.

“Nooooooo,” Doyoung whined, clinging to the leg of the couch. “Seriously Doie, it’s like three am, I’m tired,” Jaehyun complained.

“Yeah, good luck getting this one to bed,” Yuta joked from the corner, “he downed most of the vodka. You and I probably split half of it, and it wasn’t even that big.”

“I can tell,” Jaehyun said, resigned.

🍁

_“Kun! Where is he, what happened?” The man looked up from where he had been sitting, slightly nudging Ten, who’s head was buried in his shirt. Yuta and Jaehyun were all but sprinting down the hallway of the emergency room, trying their best to avoid knocking into nurses in their mad rush. With all he’d seen, Kun didn’t blame them._

_Ten and Kun both stood, welcoming the hugs they’d gotten as a greeting. “Jae, it’s bad. It’s so bad,” Ten tried to keep his voice steady, which ended up failing. Jaehyun immediately wrapped his arms around him._

_“I should’ve been with him; I was supposed to stay-”_

_Yuta hushed Kun, motioning for the man to sit back down. It was clear he’d been crying, for his eyes were red and swollen, and he was unstable on his feet. In short, Kun looked like all the life had been drained out of him._

_Ten didn’t fare any better, and it was clear that he was trying his best to compose himself._

Perhaps that was what had scared Jaehyun the most that night.

It wasn’t the empty corridors of the hospital, or the hauntingly eerie mask that took over the night. It was the fact that the one person their friend group relied on in times like this, looked like he’d seen a ghost.

He’d never seen Ten look this desperate, this lost before, and that was what made him fear that he would lose Doyoung forever.

Even now as he sits with Yuta on the couch, zoning out as some cheesy horror movie plays in the television and their abandoned glasses of vodka on the floor, Jaehyun can still feel that terror. It was buried deep in his bones, something programmed into him now.

“Jae, you okay?”

He was pulled back into tune when Yuta called his name and found himself staring deep into Yuta’s concerned eyes.

“I’m fine,” he answered simply.

“I’m a little worried, you know,” Yuta began, “No one’s expecting us to be fine.”

Jaehyun’s gaze fell over Doyoung’s sleeping form, trying to avoid eye contact with Yuta. “Are any of us okay?”

Yuta chuckled before putting an arm around Jaehyun’s shoulder, which the younger welcomed greatly.

“I feel like I’m going to lose him every time he’s not within my reach,” Jaehyun eventually whispered. Yuta said nothing, just held him closer. “I’m scared one day I’ll wake up, and he’ll be gone.”

“Woojae,” Yuta chided gently, “how long have you been holding this in?” Jaehyun felt himself tear up and shook his head in response as a tear rolled down his cheek. “You should talk to us, aish, Doyoung would be torn up if he knew.”

“I know, that’s why I couldn’t say anything. Hyung, you both are smiling more. Doie’s even started singing again, and you’re happier. I couldn’t just-”

Yuta hushed him. “Just because we’re doing better doesn’t mean there aren’t times when we feel like this,” the older man said. It was silent for a moment, before Yuta’s phone slid out of his pocket and onto the ground, knocking over the glass of water he’d poured earlier to (attempt to) sober up.

“How did I even get to be the responsible one,” he huffed as he grabbed his phone.

Jaehyun gave a watery laugh. “Cause Doyoung’s drunk and asleep.”

Yuta looked down at Doyoung, still passed out on the floor. “Yeah, we should probably at least get him to his room,” he reasoned.

“I’m too sober for this,” Jaehyun responds, but even still bends down to gently scoop Doyoung up.

As he places Doyoung on his bed, he wonders how they got here. How they’ll continue to move. Doyoung’s slowly coming out of his shell again, just now beginning to fall back into the messy rhythm that was his life.

Looking at him now, Jaehyun realizes that no, none of them have really moved passed it at all. He knows Ten and Kun are still haunted by what they had seen that night, and he knows that he and Yuta both have past regrets. All of them do.

Doyoung looks peaceful now, smooth skin decorated with the moonlight peeking through the small slit in between the curtains. He looks young and sweet, and for the millionth time Jaehyun’s heart hurts for him, for their friends, for himself.

Jaehyun knows the pain will fade, and yet here he stands, terrified that the guilt and fear may never leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, writing this one was harder than the first....
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you for reading.


End file.
